Women over 50 who have a hard time dating over 50 say “Yo”! Girl. I feel your pain. Today I want to share seven simple tips for you to follow to help you find love again.
However, I guess it also depends on where you live.
I happen to live in a tiny town in a third-world country (Guatemala), which is kind of a bad thing. Send prayers and chocolate, please.
The dating scene here for older adults is almost nonexistent. So to say my love life sucks right now is an understatement.
It’s easy to meet new people here because there are many people here, many single people, plenty of travelers and expats but the dating pool is dry. People who come through here are not here to stay. They are literally traveling through.
I imagine I could always check out a dating site for Guatemala City, maybe find a good man, and then hightail my butt there to visit him, but I’m already exhausted just thinking about that.
It’s 4 hours away on a good day—hard pass.
And it’s kinda hard to find a good man in the town I live in. I’m not giving up hope, though! I’m a persistent little bugger. I know the man of my dreams is out there somewhere.
Dating over 50 is as painful as a root canal
I remember when I left my last relationship ( I was 51 years old), I went back to the online dating site to check out the cesspool, er, I mean, the fish in the sea, to find out what kind of choices I had. Why did I think there would be plenty of fish in that sea?
It was the first time back on there in over eight years. What a huge disappointment.
Nothing had changed. That should have been a clear sign for me. Colour me desperate.
So after sifting through all the “Tom, Dick and Harry’s,” I went on my first date with a man I had known for a long time. He was the ex-husband of an old childhood friend of mine. Actually, me and this girl were best friends growing up.
Anyway, the conversation was light, fun, and somewhat intelligent. He had a good job, he got along well with his adult children, seemed responsible enough. Had a good circle of friends.
You know. All the things we like to check off when finding a new love. He seemed like a good match for me.
He had potential mate status. I was in heaven. He was romantic and attentive but not overpowering. On the second date, he had exciting plans for us for an all-day boating adventure.
It was all so new and so much fun. We had the perfect time together, and I was sure he was my kind of man.
3 months into dating, the red flags started popping up, and I realized he was an alcoholic. Ugh!!
And then there was the next guy who was super sweet and awesome (though I think he may have spent time in jail for fraud?), but holy clingy!! Dude. I need to breathe. Oy.
I was going to try a new dating site, but I couldn’t bear to do the whole profile/bio thing again.
I finally gave up and concentrated on improving my life and eventually left the country. Little did I know that it would be a million times harder dating over 50 in my new town.
How many of you have had similar struggles trying to find men from online dating sites? Be honest. We’re all friends here.
Or maybe some of you met men in more conventional ways. You know, like the grocery store, the hardware store, the library (really, Iva?). Places like that. Maybe even blind dates?
It’s been my observation (and correct me if I’m wrong), but most older men (in their 50’s and beyond) seem to want younger women (chicks in their 20’s and 30’s). Is that like an ego thing or a mid-life crisis thing? I dunno.
But there are still some relatively level-headed men who actually do want to date women in their 50’s (or the same age group as them) and can appreciate us and all our aging parts (like grey hair in your pubes? Oh ffs!!)
And then there are women in their 50s who want to date men in their 20’s and 30’s. I ain’t judging. I’ve had my fair share of one-night stands.
But to actually have a new relationship with a dude in his 20’s. I’m surprised at the younger men here who want to have a relationship with older women.
I just can’t do it.
Why is it so hard to find a good man?
Are we too picky? Maybe we’re asking for too much? I dunno. My checklist isn’t really that huge or ridiculous. It goes something like this:
- have a pulse
- don’t be an alcoholic
- I’d like all your body parts to be working
- have half a brain
- be honest
- and be somewhat handsome (too shallow?)
Ok, so is that too much to ask? Alright, I’ll be completely honest. There are a few more things on that list but nothing off the charts that would people shake their heads at me.
So why is it hard to find a good man? Are they all taken, and we have to settle for second best? I shudder.
I honestly thought that by this age, men (and women) would have gone through all the crap they need to go through in life, learned lessons from past relationships, grown from them and became better people.
No? Am I that naive?
I mean I ain’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I’m a pretty good catch. I got my crap together (when I remember where I put it) and I’m beyond all the trauma and other icky stuff I went through in life. I’ve evolved and think I’m a pretty damn good person (why is this always about you, Iva?)
So why is it so hard to find a good man then?
Learning to Love Again After 50
For many of us women over 50, trust is a big issue, meaning we don’t really trust anyone anymore, and it’s sad and pathetic, but that’s the reality of it.
So many of us have been betrayed, lied to, cheated on, bullied, you name it, we’ve been through it and it’s hard to trust again or to learn how to love again after 50.
But at this stage of the game, not only are we reinventing our lives, we’re also learning so much about ourselves and learning to love ourselves too.
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Dumping all the patterns and beliefs you had with your past partners is crucial before entering the dating scene. Otherwise, you will continue to attract toxic partners.
Dating Over 50: 7 Tips to Make it Easier
Assuming you’ve done all your self-help/inner healing work and you’re completely ready to find love again, here are 7 tips to make it easier to find the right person you can potentially spend a long time with, maybe even the rest of your days!
1 Be open to going to new places
Go to a new bookstore or a new cafe. You won’t find a new partner if you stay inside and hang out on dating sites. Ok well you might be able to but I highly recommend trying new things and new places.
2 Keep an open mind
You may or may not have a certain ‘type,’ but step outside the box a bit. If you prefer tall men, don’t discount a man who’s a wee bit under 6′. He may be all you need and are looking for.
3 Nobody is perfect
I know you know this already, and I know your last partner maybe was an ***hole, but the fact is, you’re not perfect either. Don’t look for a perfect partner; instead, look for someone who is perfect for you (ticks all the boxes).
4 Mindset is everything
Stop telling yourself there are no good men out there, and you will be single forever and die alone. That’s a horrible, toxic way to think, especially if you’re looking for love. Instead, tell yourself the right man is out there; you just need to be patient and open-minded.
5 Let your friends know
There’s always someone who knows someone who knows…you get the idea. Let people know you want to date again and are open to meeting new people. I’m sure you already know dozens of couples who probably have that one single friend.
6 Fall in love with yourself first
This should have been the first thing on this list, but you must love yourself before you go looking for love. Honestly, make sure you have solid boundaries and know exactly what you want and what you won’t tolerate ever again.
7 Trust your intuition
If something feels off, it is off. Your intuition (gut feeling) doesn’t lie, ever. Don’t think, ‘oh it’s just one little thing that I can overlook’. That’s what got you where you ended up last time. Never ignore red flags.
Another thing I’d like to mention is this (and it’s kind of important). Be your authentic self. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not to try to impress someone.
Potential partners may see through that anyway. I get that it takes a lot of time to get to know someone, but can you imagine spending all that time with someone only for them to find out you’ve been lying about who you are this whole time?
Ooph. Don’t do that.
You Don’t Need a Man
I mentioned it before, and I’ll say it again. We have much higher standards this time around. We’re not settling (please don’t). We don’t need a man anymore.
At this stage in our life, we want a man for companionship, someone who we can connect with emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (well, the last one for sure for me). Someone to laugh with, cry with, and simply enjoy life without drama.
We’re hyper-picky. We’ve grown, and we absolutely won’t put up with crap anymore. We learned the hard way how to:
- love ourselves
- respect ourselves
- have more self-confidence
- form boundary lines and
- how to be happy alone
And we won’t ever let anyone take these things away from us. Ever.
So you see, dating over 50 can be complicated because this next guy has to get and appreciate that by this age, we don’t put up with crap and can SEE right through crap.
We’re smart cookies now. We have balls, and we found our voices. And we ain’t afraid to use it (our voices, not our balls).
I think another problem is that men haven’t grown or evolved like we have. I mean, I’m sure some have, but the majority, maybe not. They still want someone to cook and clean, “get on your knees,” and be a nice housewife.
Hard pass. Again.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind cooking and like to keep a clean house, but can you cook? Do you know how to use a mop too? Is bedroom activity just all about you? Are you willing to meet my needs, too?
My head hurts. This is too exhausting.
Why is dating over 50 so hard?
Honestly, it’s frustrating having to start all over again. You know the whole “Hi how are you, what emotional baggage are you still carrying, are you an alcoholic or drug addict, have you ever been in jail for a pedophilia or murder?”.
You know—that stuff. The getting-to-know-you stuff. It’s exhausting!!!
But we know what we want, and we’re not choosing you solely because the other side of the bed has been cold for too long. We’re scrutinizing each and every dude that crosses our path and every move he makes.
This guy is going under a microscope, whether he likes it (or even knows it) or not. And when we’re done dissecting you, we’ll either spit you out or hang on to you a wee bit longer.
You know, to make sure you really aren’t a murderer.
But all kidding aside, we’re in our 50s now, and let’s face it, we aren’t getting any younger, and many of us truly do want to find the right one to grow old with. I know I do! I’m not giving up.
Dating over 50 is just going to be a little different from when we were in our 20s or 30s, that’s all.
How to Find Love at 50
You know, I always hear stories about how two people met and now have a wonderful relationship. I know true love does exist. The dating and starting over part can be a little frustrating and tiresome.
Dating over 50 can be challenging, but the good news is, it’s not impossible. I know there are single men out there, and they are looking for us!
So don’t give up.
I truly do hope you find the man of your dreams one day. I think we all deserve a healthy relationship and true love. I know I do, and I’m not giving up hope that my man is out there looking for me somewhere ( I hope he travels).
Until then, I have batteries and a dog (well, that came out wrong).
xo iva xo