If you’ve clicked on this article, chances are you’ve recently lost someone you love and are trying to figure out how you’re supposed to keep living without them. During those first days, weeks, and months, your mind can be filled with questions about the future, especially this one:
How do I live without my person?
I’m not going to keep repeating, “I’m sorry for your loss,” because chances are you’ve heard that more times than you can count. Instead, I want to offer a little comfort and help you understand that although life may never look the same again, you can eventually learn how to live without the person you thought you couldn’t live without.
I can’t promise you that moving on after death will be painless or easy. But I can tell you that, with time, the pain can become easier to carry. That doesn’t mean you’ll forget your partner or stop missing them; it simply means you’ll eventually learn how to live again.
Moving On After Death When You Feel Like You Can’t Live Without Them
Let me start by saying that it’s completely normal to feel this way. When you love someone deeply and give them your whole heart, losing them can honestly feel like the world has ended. That huge hole you feel inside is a reflection of just how much that person meant to you.
Losing someone you love changes your life, and there really isn’t a way around the pain.
Every little thing may remind you of them, and every birthday, anniversary, holiday, and special occasion can suddenly feel unbearable. You may even find yourself wondering what the point of anything is when the person you shared your life with is no longer there.
But as time passes, something begins to change, even if you don’t notice it right away.
The pain doesn’t disappear, and you’ll probably always have moments when you miss them terribly, but you slowly learn how to carry the loss. It takes time, my girl, so please don’t put pressure on yourself to be okay before you’re ready.
How Does Death Affect Relationships?
When you’ve lost your soulmate, you’re not going to feel like yourself for a while. Grief can affect everything, including the relationships you still have with friends and family. When you’re carrying that much pain around, laughing, talking, and being around other people can sometimes feel like more effort than you have to give.
You might experience things like:
- Needing constant reassurance and love from friends and family.
- Feeling angry or resentful when you see happy couples.
- Not feeling like laughing or talking to the people around you.
- Feeling like people become awkward because they don’t know what to say.
- Feeling disconnected from your spouse’s family.
- Experiencing random waves of anxiety for no obvious reason.
This list could go on because everyone experiences grief differently. If you’re feeling some of these things, please know that you’re not alone or doing anything wrong. There are countless people who have gone through similar feelings after losing someone they loved.
Grief Brain
One of the strangest things about grief is what it can do to your mind. You may become forgetful, struggle to concentrate, or feel like you’re making terrible decisions. Sometimes it feels as though you’re physically present but your mind is somewhere else entirely.
There’s actually a term for this: grief brain. When your mind is trying to process something as overwhelming as the death of someone you love, it’s understandable that you may not feel sharp or focused for a while.
The first few months can be especially difficult, but things often begin to improve gradually.
If you’re struggling for a long time and feel like you’re unable to function or cope, speaking with a doctor or mental health professional may be helpful. There is nothing wrong with needing extra support when you’re dealing with something this painful.
Understanding the Five Stages of Grief
Whether the loss of your spouse was sudden or you knew it was coming because of an illness, you’re likely to experience many different emotions. You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief, and understanding them can sometimes help you make sense of what you’re feeling.
That said, grief doesn’t always happen in a neat order. You might feel angry one day, deeply sad the next, and then find yourself going back to denial again. There is no rule saying you have to experience grief in a particular way.
Denial
The grieving process can be overwhelming, and denial is often one of our first responses to death. Sometimes our brains simply can’t process that much emotional pain all at once, so it takes time for the reality of what happened to sink in.
During this phase, you may think you hear your loved one’s voice or feel like they’re still nearby. As the numbness begins to wear off, the reality of the loss can hit harder, bringing a tremendous amount of pain with it.
Anger
Anger can look different for everyone, and sometimes it’s easier to feel angry than to deal with everything else going on underneath. You may be angry at yourself, at doctors, at God, at the world, or even at the person who died for leaving you behind.
That can be a difficult feeling to admit, especially when you loved the person deeply. But grief can bring out all kinds of emotions, including ones that don’t always make sense to us at the time.
Bargaining
When you’re feeling completely out of control, you may start replaying everything and wondering what you could have done differently. This is the “what if” stage, where your mind keeps searching for another ending to something you desperately wish had turned out differently.
You may make deals with yourself or with God if you’re religious. You might think that if you had only noticed something sooner or done something differently, your partner would still be here.
Depression
Eventually, all the questions and what-ifs can leave you facing the painful reality of the loss. You may feel an overwhelming sadness and find yourself withdrawing from the people and things around you.
You might not feel like answering the phone, going anywhere, or doing the things you once enjoyed. Some days, simply getting through the day can feel like enough, and there is nothing wrong with admitting that.
Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re suddenly happy or that you’ve stopped missing the person you lost. It simply means you’ve begun to understand and accept the reality that they’re gone, even though you wish things were different.
You may still have days when sadness hits you out of nowhere. You might feel guilty for laughing, enjoying yourself, or having a good day, but being happy again doesn’t mean you loved them any less.
How to Start Moving On After Death
Moving on after death is probably not even a phrase many people want to hear when they’re grieving. It can sound cold, almost as if you’re supposed to pack up your memories, close the door, and pretend that person was never part of your life.
That’s not what moving on has to mean. You don’t have to forget them or stop loving them. You simply have to find a way to keep living while carrying the memories and love you shared with you.
Find New Hobbies
Finding something to do can give your mind a break from constantly thinking about your loss. What you choose doesn’t really matter; it could be something you used to enjoy or something completely new that you’ve always wanted to try.
Some women might return to quilting, knitting, gardening, or reading, while others may try a pottery class or learn something new. There is no right hobby for grief, and you don’t have to suddenly become busy every minute of the day.
Even when you don’t feel like doing much, it can sometimes help to have something small to focus on. Start with whatever feels manageable and don’t worry about whether you’re doing enough.
Stay Active
Exercise can help improve your mood, but that doesn’t mean you need to suddenly start spending hours at the gym. A walk around the neighborhood, a little stretching, or a few minutes of movement at home can be enough.
There may be days when you don’t want to move at all, and that’s understandable. But when you can, getting outside or simply moving your body a little may help break up some of the heaviness you’re carrying.
Surround Yourself With Friends
When something painful happens, it’s easy to isolate yourself. Sometimes being around other people feels exhausting, especially when you don’t want to answer questions or pretend you’re okay when you’re not.
But spending time with people who care about you can help, even if you don’t feel like talking much. You don’t have to go to parties or force yourself to be social; sometimes having coffee with a friend or sitting with someone who understands can be enough.
If you’re afraid that people don’t understand what you need, try telling them. Most people want to help but may not know what to say or do unless you let them know.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
When you’ve lost the person you shared your life with, even small things can feel like a huge effort. That’s okay, and you don’t need to pretend you’re fine or rush yourself through the grieving process.
Cry if you need to cry. Get angry, scream into a pillow, sit quietly, or talk about them as much as you want. You’ve experienced something incredibly painful, and you’re allowed to have feelings about it.
Trying to bury yourself in work or keep constantly busy may distract you for a while, but the feelings are still there. Give yourself permission to feel them instead of thinking you have to be strong every second of the day.
Do Things When the Time Is Right
People often have plenty of opinions about what you should do after losing a partner. They may tell you to get rid of their belongings, stop wearing your wedding ring, sell the house, travel, or eventually start dating again.
The truth is, you should do those things when and if you’re ready. Nobody else gets to decide when it’s time to go through their belongings or make a big change in your life.
Look Into Counseling
There is still a lot of stigma around therapy and mental health, but losing the love of your life is one of the most painful things a person can go through. Just because other people have survived something similar doesn’t mean your pain is somehow less important.
Talking to a counselor or grief therapist can give you a place to talk honestly about what you’re going through. You don’t have to worry about being a burden to friends or family, and you don’t have to minimize your feelings because you think someone else has it worse.
Preserve Your Memories
After someone dies, you don’t have to immediately get rid of everything that reminds you of them. In fact, holding onto certain things can bring comfort and help you remember the life you shared together.
Maybe it’s a piece of clothing, their perfume, photographs, messages, or something completely ordinary that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else. Those things are part of your memories, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep them.
Moving on after death doesn’t mean throwing away every reminder of the person you loved. You can keep your memories and still continue living your own life.
You’re Not Alone
When everything comes crashing down, I want you to remember that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. So many people have experienced the pain of losing a husband, wife, or partner, and although everyone’s grief is different, that feeling of suddenly having to face life without your person is something many understand.
How are you supposed to move on from someone who was part of your everyday life for years?
But maybe moving on after death isn’t really about leaving someone behind. It’s about accepting that they’re no longer physically here while still recognizing that they will always be part of your life and your story.
You may think about them when you cook a meal they loved or hear a song that reminds you of them. You may tell stories about them years from now or laugh about something they used to do. None of that means you’re stuck in the past; it means they mattered.
Final Words on moving on after death
Losing anyone you love hurts. But losing someone you spent every day and night with for years can leave an emptiness that is difficult to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it.
You’ll notice their absence in so many little things. The house may feel different, your routines will change, and there may be moments when the quiet feels almost unbearable.
Some people will tell you to look on the bright side or try to focus on being positive, but I don’t think that’s always helpful. Sometimes you need to talk about how awful it is. You need to admit that you’re sad, angry, lonely, confused, or struggling because keeping everything bottled up doesn’t make the pain disappear.
Everyone mourns differently, and everything you’re feeling is valid. There’s no deadline for moving on after death, and there is no prize for being the person who “gets over it” the fastest.
Take the time you need. You don’t have to forget them, stop loving them, or pretend they weren’t an important part of your life.
You can miss them terribly and still have a good day. You can cry over them and still laugh with friends. You can love someone who is gone and still continue living.
And eventually, even though you’ll always remember what you lost, life can begin to feel like life again.
