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I know I write an awful lot about aging, and sometimes I even talk about how wonderful life is.

I’m not lying. Life is pretty good right now, but it doesn’t come without challenges like…

…what the heck is going on with this body of mine? Oy

I can’t keep up and every day I wonder what weird thing I’m gonna find out while I’m showering or getting dressed.

Honestly, I’d give anything to have my 30-year-old, no, wait, even my 40-year-old body back.

I turned 60 in 2022

Almost 2 years ago now, I turned 60, which means this year I’ll be 62 (for those who can’t or don’t feel like doing math).

So I turned 60, and while I’m very grateful to be alive and relatively youthful, my body reminds me daily that we are, in fact, aging, and it all sucks.

I don’t care what anyone says. It’s shitty.

A couple of weeks ago, I Googled something because I had this weird thing going on, and I was like, “dafuk is that”? And then Google tells me it mostly happens to women over 50.

f#$%this shit right now

I now get to add this weird thing to my list. Here we go.

Here are 10 weird things that are happening to my aging body

You know, I see pics of women my age and think, well, hell, my body or face don’t look like that! What the hell?

But we all age differently, and we all experience bizarre things, or not. Some of you bitches age so gracefully I could cry. I wanna be an ‘aging gracefully bitch’ too.

Instead, I’m a rebellious, cranky, anxiety-ridden senior (omg, I’m a senior now 😫).

Let me know down below what kind of weird random things are happening to you that I may have missed!

1 Moles moles go away come back never.

Seriously, what the hell is that all about? You can officially play connect the dots on my torso. Yup, just my torso; thank God for that. But it’s gross and ugly, and I can’t even stand to look at myself naked anymore.

This makes me sad.

2 Ouch…and ouch.

I can’t do anything without grunting and moaning and huffing (all not in a sexy way, I might add). Each time I move or do anything like, oh, I don’t know, hold a spoon and eat, something hurts.

I’m so done.

3 Hang on for another anxiety attack

These happen all the time now. I’ve had some really, really big ones where I feel like puking, and I’m gonna have a heart attack to mild ones where everyone just needs to shut up so I can check and see if I’m still breathing.

They suck. A lot.

4 So tell me, can you dye pubes?

Ya. I got grey hair down there. And I just found my first eyebrow grey hair. Seriously, eff off. The pubes, whatever. No one is looking down there anymore these days anyway, but the eyebrow?

I can colour that shit!

5 What did I come in here for?

Ya. The forgetfulness. Some have it, others don’t. I have it. A lot. And Alzheimer’s has already taken out half the old folks in my family, so there’s that.

Good times, indeed.

6 Hello, Sahara Desert

No, we’re not going on a vacation. That’s my petunia. Dry as the desert. All the fucking time. Getting old means cream this, moisturizing that, even your girlie parts.

This is the worst thing ever.

7 I hate you, eff off

Like. All of you. Ok, ok, not you guys reading this, but I’ve absolutely run out of patience with people and stupidity. I can’t even handle it anymore and I no longer have a filter when communicating.

Dogs are life.

8 Where did that hair go??

Top right corner, at my forehead — a bald spot. Are you friggin’ kidding me right now? My hair is my crown of glory. Don’t you understand this? Where is my hair going?

I’m crying 😥

9 My face is falling

Why do they have to give wrinkles names, by the way? My entire face is falling, and there’s a name for every saggy spot on my face. Stop it. Where’s the magic wand to make it all smooth and perfect again?

I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up

10 BMS — thank you, Google

Do you know what this is? Allow me to enlighten you. Burning Mouth Syndrome. What the actual f$#^ is this now???? So my lips have been burning a lot for over 2 years, and I chalked it up to smoking and vaping and thought for sure it would go away soon.

Nope. Apparently, smoking and vaping have nothing to do with this, and it’s simply burning mouth that happens to women mostly over 50.

Stop this f$%#ing nonsense now!!

Is this the beginning of the end?

Yes, yes, it is. And before you start blowing sunshine up my ass (please don’t, that’s my job), I am realistic. I don’t live in a fantasy world.

I’m getting older, and so is my body. And soon, I will die.

That’s life.

I can’t say I’m ok with any of it though I do have to say I am super grateful I can still write, function, move, etc. You get the idea. I’m healthy and strong-ish.

And I’m not dead yet. But watching my body go through all these changes is sad. I’m not gonna lie. I’m having a really hard time accepting all this aging stuff.

It’s confusing, stressful, scary, frustrating, and so much more.

But I’m grateful I’m still alive.

I’ll deal with all these crazy emotions and this aging bullshit, not gracefully at all, kicking and screaming and making sure I leave my mark on the world.

A good mark, though.

I want people to make sure they live out loud.

Chase your dreams.

Bask in the gift of life.

Be unapologetically you!

Eat the goddamn cake.

Because life is short. So short. I wish I could explain how fast this getting old stuff happens, but you won’t understand.

You just wake up one day and realize you’re not 25 anymore, and life is coming to an end.

You wake up in a panic and think to yourself

“Am I done? Have I done everything I’ve wanted to do? Is there still time?”

Is there still time? No one really knows the answer to that, but I can tell you this — don’t waste the time you have now.

xo iva xo

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2 Comments

  1. Ah, yes. Aging it stops for no one. The wrinkles, weird sensations, sagging, and loss of muscle. I think it’s the last one that annoys me the most. I have to ask for help with some things. The grey hair I kinda enjoy. It proves I’ve been here for a while and I’ll say as I damn well please. This is where I find my enjoyment these days.

  2. I remember 5+ years ago looking in the mirror and saying, “I can’t believe I am 70.” I am presently 75 and will be 76 in August. Once a champion competitive race waker I am now a biker. My dark brown hair has a few silver stands, I still have great legs but my boobs are sagging and my belly is a bit noticeable. I’m not into makeup because I’m allergic to even the hypoallergenic stuff so what you see is who I am. I live with a male partner and my two grown kids have written me off because they believe that I old to enjoy life.
    In spite of all that crap I am enjoying my senior life.

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