What You're Not Changing, You're Choosing

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This has been on my mind a lot lately, and I talk an awful lot about changing your life and healing from your past and bla bla bla. But people still get mad when I say this:

What you’re not changing, you’re choosing.

That’s a tough pill for most to swallow. I get a lot of flak/flack (the jury is still out on which one is the proper spelling of this word) over this.

“Iva, that’s a cold, cruel and heartless statement”.

Well, you’re right — sort of. It sounds cold and cruel, with a touch of heartlessness, but the fact of the matter is, it’s the truth, and we’re going to break it down for you right here.

Now, I know this isn’t the usual stuff I write about either. I like to write about getting old and all the bullshit that goes along with that (there’s a lot of bullshit that goes along with that, trust me).

But the other day, I did a Livestream over on YouTube, and after the stream was done, a viewer left a comment that really struck me hard. Not in a bad way, but in a way that made me realize so many people today STILL think like this…and it’s gotta stop. Now.

Here’s the bottom line

In case you don’t feel like watching the video (which is fine, I get it), I talked about how people have the power to change their lives and what they’re not changing, they’re choosing.

That’s the bottom line.

Hate your job? Well, you chose it and you are choosing to keep it.

Hate your relationship? Well, you’re still choosing it because you’re still in it.

Hate your health? Well, you’re still eating shitty food, not exercising and smoking/drinking, so you’re choosing that, too.

See where I’m going with this?

Everything you still have in your life that you hate, or doesn’t bring you joy or whatever, you’re choosing to keep it.

And this is where it gets good. Most people say,

Well, I don’t have a choice.

No? Are you in prison? Do you have guardians who tell you what you can and can’t do? Why don’t you have a choice?

Iva, you don’t understand

I don’t, so please ‘splain to me. But wait. Before you do, I want to share something with you. A synopsis of my life, if you will.

51 yrs old, closed my salon, declared bankruptcy and left my abusive relationship without 2 cents to rub together
returned to my old shitty job that I hated
did some healing and therapy ( I bartered my salon services for therapy) to figure out who the hell I am and what the hell I want in life
decided I hated my entire life, and changed everything.
at 53, I hung up my cutting shears, became a full-time online writer and left my country.
10 years later — still here, still free and still choosing me every damn day.

See how easy that was!? Ok, so maybe not easy, it didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen without fear and anxiety. But it happened.

Ok, let’s get to the comment now that hit me hard.

And then the comment

99% of the comments left on my channel are pretty positive. I generally don’t get hate comments or backlash. Every now and then, someone will leave a comment, though, that is a ‘ya but’ comment.

It’s not negative or positive. It’s just a viewer saying, “Well, Iva, that’s all fine and dandy but….”. The ‘ya but’ comment.

So here’s what she said:

Not everyone is strong

Girl. Listen up.

See, this is the problem. We think we’re weak. We think we can’t do the hard and icky things. We equate “I don’t know how/I can’t” to meaning “I’m weak, I’m not strong and I’m stuck in this life forever”.

But that’s not true!

People are so quick to say, “Oh, I don’t know how, I don’t think I can”. Gosh, did you even try?? No, I mean it.

You don’t know how, and you don’t think you can, so it all just ends there? Like, you’re done and the conversation is over?

This is the part I don’t understand and what everyone gets wrong.

I have a newsflash for you

You’re stronger than you think.

Or stronger than you give yourself credit for, like, come on! Did you even try to do the hard things? ( I need to make a video on this topic.)

But people don’t even try.

Let’s start here

Let’s start with the job thing. You hate your job, but it pays the bills. Ok, I get that. So did mine. It paid the bills, kept a roof over my head and caused me stress, depression and anxiety.

I could not see living out the rest of my life like that. Why should I? Why should I stay in a job that brings me so much misery simply because it pays me money?

So I’m trading happiness for money? Well, that’s dumb. But so many of us do it without even thinking that there could be something better out there for us.

If only we believed it.

When I had to return to the old salon for work, I felt very blessed and fortunate that the owner was willing to take me back, but I knew I wanted more.

And it was up to me to figure out what and how. Not once did I think, “Oh, I can’t do this. I’m too weak”.

Hell no. My thoughts were, “This sucks, this job sucks, I hate this life, what do I have to do to change it?” And away I went looking for answers — and I found them.

Guess what. That doesn’t make me strong or weak or anything. It makes me determined and passionate about changing my life.

See the difference? I didn’t know the first thing about working online or leaving my country, or living in Guatemala.

not.a.fucking.thing.

I figured it out, and being strong had nothing to do with it.

That silly ‘eff’ word

And then there’s this. The eff word.

Failure.

No one wants to be a failure or fail at anything. We’re afraid that if we try to change anything, we will fail and people will laugh at us.

It’s true.

We’re mostly afraid of what other people think. Crazy, right? I have another newsflash for you. Most people don’t even think highly of themselves. That’s a fact!

Our fear of failure keeps us from setting goals, living our dreams and making changes in our lives. Fear. An irrational emotion. You’re afraid of an outcome that might not even happen.

Let that sink in.

And all this goes back to “I can’t, I don’t know how, I’m not strong enough”. All this means is, “I’m too afraid”.