15 Things Old People Say When No One is Around

Before we start, and so no one gets their high briefs in a bunch, I use the term old people very loosely. Old people could be 60 or 90. There is no set age for this term, AND this post is just fun. Relax, Susan.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I find myself saying these things, and more, a whole lot. Daily. Maybe even hourly. It seems that after I turned 60, my filter went away.

I also don’t really gaf about a lot of things. You can read more about that here.

Anyway, without making this longer than it has to be, here are 15 things old people say when no one is around, or in my case, random sh*t I just blurt out all day.

15 things old people say randomly, daily

1 Who cares if it looks ridiculous? I’m comfortable

I’ve been saying that a lot lately, mostly just to myself. Some days I do care, but most days, I really don’t. For years, I dressed to impress, show off, attract potential mates, etc, you get the idea. Now? No f*cks given.

I wear what I like and I don’t care if you like it or not.

2 Where the hell is my phone?

I had to get a bright red case for my phone so I could spot it a mile away. I used to lose it all the time. But this phrase could be changed to, ‘where the hell are my keys’ or ‘where the hell are my earbuds’ or ‘where the hell did the cat hide my hair clip’.

The ‘where the hell’ never ends, to be honest. Something is always missing.

3 What the heck is she wearing?

Look, I don’t judge. You wear what you want, you do you, boo, but I gotta tell ya, some of these outfits I see on reels and videos – omg! Who designs these things, and what happened to the rest of the material?

Boobs hanging out all over the place, pants so low I can see your butt crack. Oooph. Dis tew much!

4 I wonder if I’ll ever have sex again

This might just be me. I’m 63 this year, and it’s been a while since I’ve been intimate, and I wonder if it will ever happen again or if the last time I had sex WAS the last time I will ever have sex (God, I hope not).

While I don’t think about it as much as I used to, I’m not dead yet, and I still wouldn’t mind some hot, passionate and steamy sex every now and then.

5 Did I take my vitamins this morning?

I try to make it a habit to take my vitamins with breakfast every day, but some days, breakfast is a hit and miss, depending on how busy a day I have (I still work for a living).

However, is there any harm if I take two B12s instead of my usual one?

6 Where did this bruise come from?

Geezus, bruises everywhere. Are the cats physically abusing me while I sleep? I seriously have no clue where half of these bruises, cuts and scrapes come from.

Is it that I don’t pay attention anymore when I hit something, or is it that I hit things so often I don’t feel the pain? Who knows.

7 Why does my back hurt so much today?

Why, why, oh why? This is ongoing for me. Do I need a new mattress? I doubt it. This one is not even 3 years old. Do I have kidney stones?

Seriously, what the hell?

8 Why is the print so f*cking tiny?

I’m fortunate that I still don’t need reading glasses, but if these manufacturers make the print any f*cking smaller, we’ll all be using a magnifying glass to read it.

I gave up reading or trying to read these bottles.

9 Another update? Please don’t change too much sh*t.

Every time my phone or computer has an update, I cringe. What now? What was wrong with the last update? Everything worked fine then. What did you need to fix?

The last phone update that happened last week changed a lot of sh*t and I’m none too happy about that one.

10 Who the f*ck is calling me at 8 pm?

Are you high? Are you doing this on purpose? 8 pm? I’m in bed by 8:30, and my social skills shut down at 7.

I suggest you text, and I’ll get back to you in the morning. Around 5 am.

11 Shit, what was I going to say?

Or another good one is, what the hell is the word I’m looking for? Omg, that one. I probably say that once a day. Why can’t I remember words anymore?

This getting old stuff sucks.

12 What did I come in here for?

All.The.Time. Bathroom. Why am I in here? What did I need to get? Well, while I’m here may as well pee. Anyone else, or is that just me?

I am constantly forgetting little things like that. Is this a sign? Sure hope not!

13 I’m sure that’s my password

I have a book where 99% of my passwords are written out, but every now and then I forget to add a password to it, OR I have to change a password and I forget to add the changes to the book. And then I’m f*cked.

I need a better password system.

14 Oh, that young man is smoking hot

Oh, I say this one a lot! I live in Guatemala, and the men here are beyond beautiful. I’ll admit, I have fantasies. Does that make me a creepy old lady? Guess what? Don’t care if it does.

A girl can dream, can’t she? (but these men….ooph)

15 Should I get another cat?

Haha, you didn’t think I was going to complete this list without some sort of reference to owning a cat. I have two. Some days, I think two is enough. Other days, I think, ‘Well, what’s one more?”

But I won’t. The ones I have now are plenty and drive me crazy.