Growing up in an unloving and abusive household not only left lasting trauma, but really set the stage for the way I behaved as a grown woman. While I’ve done an awful lot of self-improvement work, it’s a never-ending job.
You’re never 100% free from the triggers and emotions that go along with being raised by toxic parents.
I think many of us were raised like that because our parents were raised like that, and they modelled what they were taught and shown. Many of these adults today suffer trauma and have mental health issues.
Today, I want to share 10 hidden signs of someone who was raised by toxic parents. Were you raised in an unhealthy environment? Do you recognize any of these behaviours?
10 hidden signs you were raised by toxic parents
These are the 10 signs that I recognize in myself. I’m sure there are many more, and I also believe that these signs will vary depending on the level of abuse and toxicity you were raised with.
We were raised by a narcissistic mother and an extremely and perpetually angry father. The abuse and neglect were non-stop. Miraculously, I came out relatively unscathed, independent of a few emotional triggers.
My one sister has severe PTSD because of it. So, everyone is different and processes trauma and abuse in their own ways.
Anyway, here are the 10 hidden signs you were raised by toxic parents.
self-esteem/worth issues
It’s hard to thrive in life when you have little to no self-esteem, self-worth, or self-love. I had none of these, and because of that, I made some very poor choices in life as a grown woman.
I was in and out of abusive and toxic relationships. I let people mistreat me. I didn’t know my own worth until I was around 52 years old.
Excessive Control
One of the things that toxic families have in common is that the parents are control freaks, especially if one is a narcissist, as was in my case. You’re constantly being pulled and pushed by strings and have no say or voice of your own.
As adults, we want to control every single little thing in order to make sure that we are never again put in a situation where we’re controlled. If we don’t have or lose control, it causes severe anxiety.
Constant Criticism
We’ve been criticized our entire lives. I think what most people don’t realize is that even after we’ve moved out and are on our way, our toxic parents still get their jabs in and criticize us. It never ends.
Because of this, we are quick to judge and criticize as well. We don’t necessarily want to, and it takes a lot of work to retrain that behaviour, but it’s ingrained in us.
Manipulation
Many of us are highly skilled in the art of manipulation for several reasons. One being is that we used it a lot to get what we wanted, which sometimes was just love and attention, from our toxic parents.
And our parents were masters at manipulation as well, using it on us often when they wanted something too.
It’s hard to unplug this behaviour and understand that you don’t have to manipulate people to get what you need or want.
Unpredictable Behavior
Very unpredictable. Many of us lived our childhoods in fear and neglect. Our behaviours reflect that. It’s all part of the manipulation and lack of self-worth.
We can be sweet as pie one minute, and the next, you may think you’re dealing with Linda Blair from The Exorcist. That’s our survival mode. As children, we had no choice.
Over protective
Because no one ever protected, cared for, encouraged or supported me growing up, when I had my son, I became hyper aware of that and wanted to make sure he was safe, loved and protected. From everything.
This protectiveness can lead to control, but it mostly just smothers the child (in my case, my son) and stunts any chance of personal growth. I got much better at controlling this as I got older, and he became an adult.
desperate for Love
This was me to a tee. I could have written a book on that (and maybe one day I will).
Love was something I knew nothing about. Ever. I was in my 50s when I finally learned not only how to love myself, but what real love is.
I did a lot of really stupid things so people would love me, appreciate me, accept me and give me attention. I craved it. All the time.
no self-confidence
I mean 0. Not one ounce. I lived my whole life convinced I was a ‘failure and no good for nothing’ besides being ‘a disappointment to the family’.
Hard to have any self-confidence when adults plugged that into your head almost daily.
Adults of toxic parents do not believe in themselves and because of that, will never try new things such as open businesses, travel solo or anything bold and ballsy. We are certain we are doomed to failure, so we don’t even try.
no Boundaries
We let people mistreat us our entire lives. We were used as doormats, trying to please people so that they would love and accept us.
We don’t know how to say no. We say yes to everything that anyone wants. Learning how to say no is terrifying because it means we may upset someone, and we can’t risk that.
Learning boundaries is difficult and scary, but we’re trying (or at least I am).
addiction issues
Many adults of toxic parents have addiction issues. We have mental health issues. We have PTSD. You name it, we probably have it.
It’s hard to understand how damaging it is to live in an unhealthy environment unless you’ve lived it. People can sympathize and empathize, but they don’t quite get the deep-rooted pain and trauma we suffer, some of us almost daily.
final thoughts
If you were raised by toxic parents, you probably nodded your head a lot while reading this. I think it’s important to try to heal from your trauma. There’s a popular quote that I absolutely love:
The trauma wasn’t your responsibility but the healing is
It’s up to you to stop the generational cycle and heal from whatever demons still control your life. These things happened to us in our past. We still have our future in front of us.
Do your future self a favour – heal.
